Mothering as a job.

[Momtezuma Tuatara]

I want to see mothering, and parenting, rehabilitated as the most important job on earth, which requires intelligent people to make reasoned analysis and judgement on more issues on the face of this planet than any CEO has to juggle, and that experts can only have a consultative role in that job description.

It's the most valued job on earth, and when women really believe that, maybe we can fully reclaim the ground. In many ways, mothers have had their inate knowledge, tradition knowledge, and intuition "disabled" by experts, who believe that only they can be children-keepers. I want for us all to reclaim our heritage rights as keepers of the family.

We've also got fathers here, who realise that they are also "experts" and that the constant kow-towing and deferring to experts is one factor in the divide and rule in the ruin in their family's health.

I believe that we can all work together to encourage one another, to help regrow backbones, and share information to regain what has been lost in the last 9 decades of expertism.

Somewhat sweeping, but it's what I know, and believe...

[Janet]

I'm a radical feminist. I value all work done by women. I'm a SAHM who also writes, works, thinks, run the Australian homebirth network and puts countless hours into improving women's lives. Our human rights movement has offered me this critique and the strength to see myself as a worthwhile human (regardless of whether or not I breed) as well as a critique which looks for evidence and sees the levels of inequity throughout the dominant paradigms of our whole society, particularly the level of control expected and exerted by medical "experts".

[Lexie]

It's a job my mother was very absent for, emotionally and physically. It was hard on me to adjust to her shortcomings because I essentially was my own mother. Through that alone, I understand the importance of the job. I know what I need to do differently, and I know how hard it is and is going to be. It's the hardest job I could have ever imagined. Scary at times. But it's also very rewarding.

[3monkeys]

ITA with everything said. I have spent the last few days helping a lady breastfeed. She has been given so much conflicting advice that I am surprised she is still going. But she really wants it. I have been trying to get her to listen to her maternal voice. She has been weighing baby beofore and after every feed (not on my advice, I told her to biff the scales) She siad to me this morning that during the night she couldnt be bothered and she knew he was getting enough. I said, of course he is, cause he is content. Thats called listening to your maternal voice - trust yourself.

I totally agree that we need to see the value in motherhood, so much is wrong with it. All these expectations etc. Even coffee groups are competitive in nature in some respects.

[Momtezuma Tuatara]

My mother was what women of her day (around 1950), would have called a "radical feminist" too.

She once said to me while my 6 and 4 year old were playing in the background, that it was time I got a real job.

She was lucky that the only thing I did was hang up on her.

As far as I am concerned, is was her generation which lit a bon-fire under the idea that professionals; paediatricians, kindergarten, schools, psychologists and doctors were the appropriate keepers of all wisdom when it came to anything to do with child care, which people like Spock et al, took total advantage of.... and it's this "medical model" which women still struggle with today.

Again, a generalization, but I see it all around me, and it really upsets me. And it's part to do with why some women can't stand up for themselves in pregnancy, during labour, and have things done to them that they never wanted. And certain types of medical people take full advantage of the "give me an inch, and I'll take a mile" opportunity...

My story is similar to yours Lexie. Initially I didn't want children, because I didn't know how to be a mother. I only knew what sort of a mother I didn't want to be.

[Momtezuma Tuatara]

All these expectations etc. Even coffee groups are competitive in nature in some respects.

I have to give them up immediately. I don't do prize bull elasticated rosettes on the forehead, or fluff-talk very well. :giggle:

[Sakura]

I feel so fortunate to have found my "tribe" of fellow mothers who are amazing mothers, alternative minded, fiercely protective of their children and extremely questioning of the establishment.

We all met through La Leche League, by the way. Nursing mothers, unite!!

I agree, MT, that it would be amazing to see the role of mothering "rehabilitated", as you put it, to be reflective of what the job truly entails. It is by far the hardest thing that I've ever done, but also by far the most amazing, fulfilling and rewarding. I consider myself to be not only the household "manager", but the keeper of our family's health. Instead of relying on the so-called experts, reliance first and foremost is on my gut and mother's instinct.

[Lexie]

My mother also preaches to me about getting a job...

I tell her pretty much everything about everything--eg. vaccines, healthy food and whatnot--and she always tells me, 'I just can't change. I'm too old.' Not that I ever really tell her to change, but you have an idea of what I deal with sometimes. :D

I remember as a child spending more time in the doctor's waiting room than school. I was so so sickly, and it's sad that I've come to realize it could have all been avoided...if she had known better. But her generation did idolize doctors--Spock being one of them...funny that. It's bittersweet for me though, because doctors have screwed me over so badly that now I know better. Nothing scares me more than a doctors misjudgments and overzealousness. That's why I wouldn't trust them with my child. I wouldn't even trust them with a perfectly healthy animal I have no emotional attachment to.

[grandma of 4]

i was a stay at home mum and would not have changed it at all ,there for every milestone both highs and lows ,supported after school activities even mum to their friends. loved it it is one of the most important jobs a mother can have . But sadly society today has down graded the job of mothering and some even look on mothers who stay at home as different http://forums.beyondvaccination.com/images/icons/icon4.gif

[Spy]

You know what's tragic?

In my culture mothering was wiped out so entirely and so long ago that I am not even getting what you're talking about. :( As in, I do with my head, but like a tip of an iceberg, like something I learned as an adult, very recently and superficially, not something it actually should have been - the most fundamental concept for mankind. It's insane and makes me furious to the point of homicidal. :Whip:

[Momtezuma Tuatara]

Hey Spy :hug I know what you mean. You remember that series of photos you sent me, in a maternity hospital once?

That sort of stuck, and epitomises part of what was done in Russia since 1912. And in those circumstances, survival can simply mean that you disconnect just to do what you have to do.

I had to do the same, in my own way, for different reasons. And ... in a similar way, at a deep level, was disconnected from my kids, because I didn't know what it was to have a mother who loved. I only knew what it was to survive. It becomes hardwired into us as a survival strategy.

I look back, knowing what I know today, and can almost feel what it would be like, had I been allowed to know what real family life was like.

I did the best I could, and you've done the best you can, and are an amazing Mum.

We can't deal with what mightabeen. We can only move forward, and make today and tomorrow, better than yesterday. To cry over spilt milk, just stops us making the best to tomorrow's milk.

when I lie still and think and feel, I can almost "get" it. But it doesn't make me insane or furious, because tomorrow is a new day, and every little change is better.

Okay?

or clear as mud?

:bighug:

[Momtezuma Tuatara]

i was a stay at home mum and would not have changed it at all ,there for every milestone both highs and lows ,supported after school activities even mum to their friends. loved it it is one of the most important jobs a mother can have . But sadly society today has down graded the job of mothering and some even look on mothers who stay at home as different http://forums.beyondvaccination.com/images/icons/icon4.gif

Grandma, I did all those things too, but becasue I knew it was right, and needed to do them. But I was still partly disconnected from the process, because doing it, didn't come naturally to me. I wasn't one of those mothers who just "knew" what to do, because it had been osmozed through feeling and knowing it, all through your own childhood.

[Spy]

Oh, that hospital stuff is just the icing on the cake. :D They are actually recent, from the times it was already legally possible to raise your own children by yourself, but not many wanted to/knew how/ could.

I am talking about times when *all* children in the country were supposed to be institutionalised and not having a job could land you in jail - that sort of stuff. The 'raising kids is not a job' mentality didn't just land on us out of the blue. :alien:

[Epona]

It's a job my mother was very absent for, emotionally and physically. It was hard on me to adjust to her shortcomings because I essentially was my own mother. Through that alone, I understand the importance of the job. I know what I need to do differently, and I know how hard it is and is going to be. It's the hardest job I could have ever imagined. Scary at times. But it's also very rewarding.

I can relate to this. I love my son.. but dont like kids in general. I just cant stand being around or near them. This is hard because of the pressure i feel im under to "be maternal" and breed continuously and love children or whatever. I just cant convince myself to feel otherwise.
I thought that i would change my mind after i had him and that it would just "come naturally". It never did.. and i would still prefer to be working full time than being a SAHM. I dont though, because he needs me at home with him and his needs come before mine. Its all too bloody hard. No more kids. So much to learn, so little time.

[Lexie]

I hear you. I find kids cute, but the moment they open their mouths or start touching things, I want to run in the opposite direction. Sometimes when my girl is throwing a tantrum, I have to take a deep breath and tell myself it'll pass. I adore her and she's my life. I don't even know what I'd do without her now, but patience wears thin sometimes... When it's really bad, I put her down and sit and cry for a while to get it all out. Then I can function again. I wish I had a better role model. I really think it would have made this easier for me.

[justine]

My Mum read things like 'Fat is a feminist issue' when I was a teenager and told me things like 'cat walk models represent 1% of the female population' She and my Dad told me how beautiful I was when I was a vunerable teenager. She told me recently to remember that I am important too. All this advice I am going to pass onto my daughter and I know like me she will make inteligent decisions.

Justine;)

[deesalie]

Sounds like you had a very wise mother Justine :)

[ema-adama]

I am quite passionate about this. I am very much learning on the job, with no role model in my mother. She got some things right, but others horribly wrong :rolleyes:

I think it is the only thing that allows me to stay sane while being at home - is to be reading and learning and understanding so much about how to make a healthy, happy home. That, and finding other mama's over the internet who share similar values. And of course doing the things that I know help build healthy happy families.:D

But yes, I am passionate about women being valued for their work, passionate about mothers taking back their power as the nurturers of their families and themselves. I have had it with experts spouting their opinions, regardless of how well intentioned the advice is. :Whip: